Left or Right?

Seriously, it's the greatest time of the year, right? How can I sit here feeling so blue when I'm supposed to be overjoyed that Christmas is 5 days away. I swore as a child that I'd never get tired of Christmas I just knew I'd be the one person who never grew up. Always knew I'd be in a family of my own celebrating through my children. In some ways I am and in some I'm not. This year more than ever I've felt like I'm really more connected with Zach. I feel like we're a real family. The fact that he wasn't born into the Peek household doesn't matter as much anymore. So how can feeling so blessed morph into feeling so incomplete at times? I'm so happy that we have him but I feel like there is just this big hole in my heart and in my life. I need somebody else. Sure we've been trying to have a baby for 3 years and we've had Zach for over 2 but it's different now. I feel that even though we have him our lives are incomplete. I feel like until we add another little family member we're just sitting in a standstill. I'm left with this big question of what to do. Financially medical treatments are out for a while and financially so is adoption and since we're still unsure as to whether fostering is right for us where do we go? How do we move forward? I'm tired of the game. I've been back and forth and back and forth and back and forth for too long I just want to pick a direction and stick with it. I feel like I'm stuck at a road and while it's not quite a crossroads you know that eventually you're going to have to pick a left or a right but for the mean time you keep walking down the middle. The middle never goes anywhere but you're still moving. I want to pick a left or a right. I want to know what's coming. I want something, ANYTHING to happen. At this point I know that I've just stopped. I'm not even going ahead. Sure I might pick up and move forward again eventually like has happened so many times but right now it's like forward is blocked. I'm stuck and seeing endless pictures all over the internet and watching families who are SO happy right now gets harder by the day. I pray and pray and pray for a loving heart. Being bitter is what got me to give up the last time. I want a baby more than anything but I want a kind, loving, caring and nurturing heart. I don't want to be a bitter person and even if that means giving up on the baby game for a while then that's what I'll do. I know this entire post is just one big circle around the same topic but that's how I feel my brain is at the moment. I'm just going around in one big circle trying to figure out whether to go left, right or forward.