Left or Right?

Seriously, it's the greatest time of the year, right? How can I sit here feeling so blue when I'm supposed to be overjoyed that Christmas is 5 days away. I swore as a child that I'd never get tired of Christmas I just knew I'd be the one person who never grew up. Always knew I'd be in a family of my own celebrating through my children. In some ways I am and in some I'm not. This year more than ever I've felt like I'm really more connected with Zach. I feel like we're a real family. The fact that he wasn't born into the Peek household doesn't matter as much anymore. So how can feeling so blessed morph into feeling so incomplete at times? I'm so happy that we have him but I feel like there is just this big hole in my heart and in my life. I need somebody else. Sure we've been trying to have a baby for 3 years and we've had Zach for over 2 but it's different now. I feel that even though we have him our lives are incomplete. I feel like until we add another little family member we're just sitting in a standstill. I'm left with this big question of what to do. Financially medical treatments are out for a while and financially so is adoption and since we're still unsure as to whether fostering is right for us where do we go? How do we move forward? I'm tired of the game. I've been back and forth and back and forth and back and forth for too long I just want to pick a direction and stick with it. I feel like I'm stuck at a road and while it's not quite a crossroads you know that eventually you're going to have to pick a left or a right but for the mean time you keep walking down the middle. The middle never goes anywhere but you're still moving. I want to pick a left or a right. I want to know what's coming. I want something, ANYTHING to happen. At this point I know that I've just stopped. I'm not even going ahead. Sure I might pick up and move forward again eventually like has happened so many times but right now it's like forward is blocked. I'm stuck and seeing endless pictures all over the internet and watching families who are SO happy right now gets harder by the day. I pray and pray and pray for a loving heart. Being bitter is what got me to give up the last time. I want a baby more than anything but I want a kind, loving, caring and nurturing heart. I don't want to be a bitter person and even if that means giving up on the baby game for a while then that's what I'll do. I know this entire post is just one big circle around the same topic but that's how I feel my brain is at the moment. I'm just going around in one big circle trying to figure out whether to go left, right or forward.

10 weeks

I have exactly 10 weeks 3 days til bridesmaid day. I've already ordered my dress but I really don't mind having to pay for some awesome alterations.

I haven't brought up my weightloss journey in the blog yet, though I've been meaning too. Around this time last year I decided that I was tired of being crazy overweight. Time to woman up and slim down! I went to my doctor as I had heard she had a weightloss program. They give me Phentermine(which is awesome) and we talked over some stuff I already knew and away I went. I lost about 25 pounds over the next 3 months. Unfortunately thats when my father in law went into the hospital and it was put to a sudden halt. Hospital food, munchies from the gift shop and lots of snacking went into the next few months. By the time he passed in June I had gained it all back and then some.

August of last year I decided it was time to get back on track. Since I have PCOS weight is a huge factor with my ovulation. When I lost weight I got 2-3 back to back normal cycles but stopped with all the stress and weight gain the summer brought on. So with no cycles there is obviously no chance at fertility. Anywho, I set up an appointment and begin this process all over again. I was frustrated at myself for putting it back on. I weighed in at a rocking 287. That's right, almost 300 pounds. That number is scary, and awful and I hate admitting it. But maybe somebody else who has an awful high number won't feel as bad knowing somebody else is there too. I am 5'11" so at least I hide a lot of my weight well. Over the next few months I struggled with vacations, trips, holidays and etc. Every number I lost didn't feel worthwhile since I had already hit it in the past. Finally, I hit 262. That's the number I had gotten too when father-in-law got sick. Pretty quickly I surpassed it and found myself at 259 and then at 257. And now, the holidays. I made it through Thanksgiving okay, but about 2 weeks before Christmas I kinda gave up.

This brings me to now! I'm about 261 depending on the day and water weight but I'll weigh again tomorrow for my real re-starting point. I'm actually pretty excited to get going again. Today I started the 30 day shred and I feel awful about myself doing it but I know there must be something to it. I couldn't even do the entire video, had to take lots of small breaks. It may take me longer to move from level to level but if I successfully finish this and seriously get to the point where level 3 isn't making me want to die anymore, I'll have accomplished something I've never done before. I'll be more in shape than I've been since high school. I look forward to that day. Hopefully, I can just keep looking up.

Hopefully, in about 30 days I'll be showing you before/after pictures of me. It'll still be hard to show the before but hopefully the after will make that much better. I still won't look perfect, far from, but it's about progress, right?