The "C" word....

Cancer. Something I had grown up quite familiar with. My dad is a cancer survivor and both of his parents lost their lives to cancer. I thought it was something I had seen enough of in my lifetime but once again, I was wrong.

About a week after we moved home my father in law went to the doctor because he had lumps in his armpits. He had already been about these lumps a few times but the doctor didn't seem worried and put them on antibiotics. This time they decided they would biopsy them and see what was going on. We had convinced ourselves it wasn't cancer so we weren't too worried. Unfortunately, we found out that it was cancer. Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. Somewhere between stage 3-4 to be exact. Even with it being that progressed the outlook was great and he would start chemo immediately and be done in 6 months. The outlook was bright and Lane could make it through anything, he was a superhero afterall. He had survived major quadruple bypass, having multiple stints put in, heart attacks and much more. It was almost like you name it, he survived it. He was confident he was going to survive this too.

Things continued to go well, we made it past the holidays(he was diagnosed almost a year ago exactly) and in March of this year we were told that the cancer was almost completely gone and he would only need 1-2 more chemo treatments! Praise God, we thought, he was going to beat this. In early April of this year Lane got very confused one day and had to call an ambulance because his legs had given out on him(he thought we were out of town). He went to the hospital and spent about 4 days and seemed to be feeling a lot better. His brother and sister were in from out of town for a surprise birthday of an elderly relative and he wanted to get out and spend time with them. They visited him on a Friday and left on Saturday. He seemed great and we couldn't understand why they weren't releasing him.

On Monday we noticed that he was sleeping a lot and he seemed kinda confused. He acted very "drugged up" but when talking to his nurses they said he wasn't on anything stronger than Lortab. We went in early every morning trying to catch his doctor but we couldn't catch him early enough and when the doctors came in he was always sleeping so they didn't know about his behavior and the nurses assumed it was normal even when we said it wasn't. Because of the grace of one nurse who had him multiple days we were finally able to convince her this wasn't normal. The doctor ordered a CT scan and I went up that day while Adam was at work and waited for him to get done and get his results. The doctors really didn't think anything would show up on the scan but they basically did it to appease us. As I waited in his room I got a phone call from a doctor. He asked who I was and I told him, he then told me he'd be up in a minute to talk to me. I panicked immediately. They do NOT come talk to you when everything is normal. Those were the worst few minutes of my entire life and I just sat there and waited. When the doctor came in it felt like a scene from a movie. I tried to absorb everything he said so that I could relay it as well as possible to Adam. At the moment we didn't know much but we knew there was a mass in his brain. They kept reiterating that it was nothing good. In the coming weeks we talked to more and more doctors who ran lots of tests and in the end we found out that it was cancer in his brain. The lymphoma had spread to his brain and had created multiple lesions. Lymphoma in general is a very treatable disease, lymphoma in the brain, is not. By that time Lane had worsened a lot. He barely spoke and when he did it came out all jumbled. Every once in a while he would do something very Laneish and for those moments I am extremely grateful for. He slept most of the day and communication was done mostly with nods and maybe an occasional answer. We were told that if we did pursue treatment that we would need to transfer to a different hospital and that it would probably only extend his life but he would never improve past where he was now. Lane had made it very apparent that he was okay with dying in fact in some ways he was ready to go to heaven. We made the extremely hard decision not to pursue treatment and had decided to bring him home on Hospice. My being a stay at home mom was a huge blessing at this point as we only had to hire somebody to be with him when Adam was working and I had to be somewhere else. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but I'm so glad he was at home with us. On June 5th 2011 I had my very first Willow House party because my sister talked me into selling it with her. It went okay. Later on Adam and I were just kinda hanging out and he went to check on his dad. He told me he didn't think he would make it through the night. It really didn't hit me what he had said. I wish more than anything I would have gone in there immediately and sat with him, but I didn't. At this point though Lane didn't even wake up anymore or move at all. About 30 minutes later I went in to check on him, and I found him, laying there, pale and lifeless. I still have flashbacks of that exact moment. I screamed for Adam and started crying. I told him that I thought he was gone and Adam went to check and he was. Hospice came out and really helped us with everything that night. They worked with the funeral home and we didn't have to do anything. My parents both came over and my dad swooped in to get Zach and take him out of there and my mom sat with me. Our pastor came over and sat too. I still can remember this moment like it was yesterday and it was the hardest night of my entire life. We had lost this amazing man and nothing could prepare us for it. I still miss him every day. I regret not taking my time with him more seriously and I can only hope and pray that he knew how much I really did love him. I hate that I was never able to give him a grandchild, but I was able to give him Zach and they had the most special bond I've ever seen an adult and child have. For that I am thankful. I am thankful that I married into this family. I have met some amazing people and I love them all. I do miss Lane though, I don't quite understand why he left us or why cancer had to hit him, but it did and he's gone. At least he isn't in pain anymore...

So, now what?

Brand new parents to a 3.5 year old, working at a brand new job, living in a new city, dealing with the courts and social workers. My life became a whirlwind of new stuff and I was having a hard time coping. We prepared up-front to be forever parents to Zach, because even though she could get him back it would be a hard road and with her past it didn't seem likely, also we figured it best to prepare for the long-term ahead. I had to go through a long road of coping with the fact that this new child was in my life and that the child that my heart yearned for would not be my first child anymore. There would never be that full on mommy & me time or being spoiled as the first child. It was a hard road but one that I've come to accept, in fact now I can't wait to make Zach a big brother because even though he has siblings he's never lived with them and as Adam and I both lived as only children(my sisters are half sisters and never lived with us) we know that we want him to grow up with another child.

So our lives have started to normalize a bit but Adam and I both become unhappy with our jobs. I did NOT like the call center life and I was tired of the sales stuff. Adam was unhappy with the way the store he was in was ran and constantly being super busy. Oddly enough the GM at the store in our town had gotten fired and they needed another licensed person in the store so it could function properly without them constantly bringing somebody from another city down. They offered to move him back to his old position but keep his same pay. To us that was amazing! We were still paying our house payment(though we were never able to move back to that house because of it being across state lines) and our rent in Louisville so with his pay raise and the money the state gives us to help take care of Zach it allowed me to become a stay at home mom. It was a really tight budget but because most jobs I qualify for in our town are close to minimum wage it wasn't worth it to work and pay daycare. So back to our hometown we go and once again things work out in the oddest of ways because only a week later we face something that will forever change our lives...

New city brings new surprises...

So we packed up all our stuff and moved 4 hours away, not too far but for people that were born and raised in one city(though I did briefly move to Louisville on my own a year prior) it was a big enough change for us. We found an apartment, left the house that we had only owned a year, I left my job and Adam transferred. I started to look for another job and eventually found one as a sales rep in a call center for AT&T. I was so excited about it and the pay was nothing short of amazing. I was going to start out making more money than Adam did and he had worked for his company for 9 years! What a blessing! About 2 weeks into my new job some things go down with my sister and she loses custody of her youngest son(she had already lost custody of the other 4). This is a child that I hardly knew and had seen maybe 4 times since he was born. He was 3 1/2 and a total stranger. I had basically cut my sister out of my life years prior and forced myself not to connect with him as I had my other nieces and nephew. It was only through the kind-heartedness of my husband that he actually talked me into taking him in. According to him family is family and it wasn't his fault that this happened. I listened and overnight we were transformed into parents and has it ever been a rough journey since...

Baby, Baby, Baby!

As I said before, I knew right away I wanted a baby and I had finally gotten the husband who wanted it just as I did! So this is the easy part, right? You go off the pill, have sex and get pregnant. Just like that, right? Not in my case. First you have to ovulate and I soon discovered that was exactly what I was *not* doing.

After a few months of long cycles that seemed like they would never end in March, 2010 I decided to finally see my OBGYN. She ran some blood tests and easily confirmed it was Polycystic Ovary Syndrome(PCOS). I had already been on the internet site justmommies.com enough to have figured out what that meant and I felt kinda shattered at first. We decided that I would take Provera to end my cycle and induce my period and then we would start Clomid. A plan! I can handle that!

My cycle ends and I go in for my CD(cycle day)3 ultrasound to find that I have a cyst that I did not manage to get rid of with my last period. Great. I can't take the Clomid because it might overstimulate the cyst and cause an ovary to rupture so I am told to wait and see if my period will come on its own.

As I am stuck in the waiting game my husband and I decide that we feel stuck with where he's at in his company at the time. His manager wasn't doing what he should and when the position above my husband was opened up he just left it open and kept giving excuses to why he wasn't promoting him. We decided it was time to make a game changing move. We found an open position for a lab management position in a store in Louisville. We thought if nothing else we wouldn't mind moving there as I have lots of family there and hopefully that would inspire his manager to give him the new position. It did not cure the GM's laziness and off to Louisville we went, which also meant goodbye to my current OBGYN and stuck once again in the waiting game...

The beginning of a new life...

I always grew up knowing that I wanted kids and wanted them early. I can't remember a time where I was not super in love with children. As soon as I turned 18 I got a job at a daycare that I worked at for 3 years. I worked my way into the sales force with cell phones for a while but now that I'm mostly a stay at home wife I'm working extremely part time at a church nursery and I adore it.

I was always the girl that was looking to settle down as well, even in high school when I dated guys I wanted it to be long term and I so easily fell in love with them. My life changed though in February of 2008 when a guy that I thought I wanted to be my forever man dumped me and left me shattered and heartbroken. Soon after a guy that I had met through my job at the time, Borders, started up a new friendship with me. I made it very clear that I was *not* interested in dating. I mean, firstly, this man was 6 1/2 years older than me and secondly I was still hoping and praying that my ex would see the error in his ways. New man convinced me to go on a "friend date" with him to a new fancy restaurant in town. I agreed only because my ex also had a date that night and I hoped to make him jealous and distract myself. We went out and boy did he make me laugh, I had a blast. Still, I thought, this is only my friend he is so not my type. We started to hang out more and more and I found how much I enjoyed being around him. I found that I couldn't even go an entire day without talking to him. Eventually after much kicking my feet(and telling everybody around me how I didn't want to date him!) I decided that I really did like this guy after all. In March we officially became a couple and on August 1, 2009 he became my husband.