Cancer. Something I had grown up quite familiar with. My dad is a cancer survivor and both of his parents lost their lives to cancer. I thought it was something I had seen enough of in my lifetime but once again, I was wrong.
About a week after we moved home my father in law went to the doctor because he had lumps in his armpits. He had already been about these lumps a few times but the doctor didn't seem worried and put them on antibiotics. This time they decided they would biopsy them and see what was going on. We had convinced ourselves it wasn't cancer so we weren't too worried. Unfortunately, we found out that it was cancer. Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. Somewhere between stage 3-4 to be exact. Even with it being that progressed the outlook was great and he would start chemo immediately and be done in 6 months. The outlook was bright and Lane could make it through anything, he was a superhero afterall. He had survived major quadruple bypass, having multiple stints put in, heart attacks and much more. It was almost like you name it, he survived it. He was confident he was going to survive this too.
Things continued to go well, we made it past the holidays(he was diagnosed almost a year ago exactly) and in March of this year we were told that the cancer was almost completely gone and he would only need 1-2 more chemo treatments! Praise God, we thought, he was going to beat this. In early April of this year Lane got very confused one day and had to call an ambulance because his legs had given out on him(he thought we were out of town). He went to the hospital and spent about 4 days and seemed to be feeling a lot better. His brother and sister were in from out of town for a surprise birthday of an elderly relative and he wanted to get out and spend time with them. They visited him on a Friday and left on Saturday. He seemed great and we couldn't understand why they weren't releasing him.
On Monday we noticed that he was sleeping a lot and he seemed kinda confused. He acted very "drugged up" but when talking to his nurses they said he wasn't on anything stronger than Lortab. We went in early every morning trying to catch his doctor but we couldn't catch him early enough and when the doctors came in he was always sleeping so they didn't know about his behavior and the nurses assumed it was normal even when we said it wasn't. Because of the grace of one nurse who had him multiple days we were finally able to convince her this wasn't normal. The doctor ordered a CT scan and I went up that day while Adam was at work and waited for him to get done and get his results. The doctors really didn't think anything would show up on the scan but they basically did it to appease us. As I waited in his room I got a phone call from a doctor. He asked who I was and I told him, he then told me he'd be up in a minute to talk to me. I panicked immediately. They do NOT come talk to you when everything is normal. Those were the worst few minutes of my entire life and I just sat there and waited. When the doctor came in it felt like a scene from a movie. I tried to absorb everything he said so that I could relay it as well as possible to Adam. At the moment we didn't know much but we knew there was a mass in his brain. They kept reiterating that it was nothing good. In the coming weeks we talked to more and more doctors who ran lots of tests and in the end we found out that it was cancer in his brain. The lymphoma had spread to his brain and had created multiple lesions. Lymphoma in general is a very treatable disease, lymphoma in the brain, is not. By that time Lane had worsened a lot. He barely spoke and when he did it came out all jumbled. Every once in a while he would do something very Laneish and for those moments I am extremely grateful for. He slept most of the day and communication was done mostly with nods and maybe an occasional answer. We were told that if we did pursue treatment that we would need to transfer to a different hospital and that it would probably only extend his life but he would never improve past where he was now. Lane had made it very apparent that he was okay with dying in fact in some ways he was ready to go to heaven. We made the extremely hard decision not to pursue treatment and had decided to bring him home on Hospice. My being a stay at home mom was a huge blessing at this point as we only had to hire somebody to be with him when Adam was working and I had to be somewhere else. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but I'm so glad he was at home with us. On June 5th 2011 I had my very first Willow House party because my sister talked me into selling it with her. It went okay. Later on Adam and I were just kinda hanging out and he went to check on his dad. He told me he didn't think he would make it through the night. It really didn't hit me what he had said. I wish more than anything I would have gone in there immediately and sat with him, but I didn't. At this point though Lane didn't even wake up anymore or move at all. About 30 minutes later I went in to check on him, and I found him, laying there, pale and lifeless. I still have flashbacks of that exact moment. I screamed for Adam and started crying. I told him that I thought he was gone and Adam went to check and he was. Hospice came out and really helped us with everything that night. They worked with the funeral home and we didn't have to do anything. My parents both came over and my dad swooped in to get Zach and take him out of there and my mom sat with me. Our pastor came over and sat too. I still can remember this moment like it was yesterday and it was the hardest night of my entire life. We had lost this amazing man and nothing could prepare us for it. I still miss him every day. I regret not taking my time with him more seriously and I can only hope and pray that he knew how much I really did love him. I hate that I was never able to give him a grandchild, but I was able to give him Zach and they had the most special bond I've ever seen an adult and child have. For that I am thankful. I am thankful that I married into this family. I have met some amazing people and I love them all. I do miss Lane though, I don't quite understand why he left us or why cancer had to hit him, but it did and he's gone. At least he isn't in pain anymore...
This made me cry!
ReplyDelete